As a preface-
I feel mostly none of these things in my sane mind. This is not the bubbly girl that had a vivacious outlook and spunk to take on the world. So it may be infuriating (especially if we are close), it may make no sense, I may sound like a whiner, it may bring some relief?
All of these are irrelevant UNLESS it’s giving you some sort of relief. I’m not here to write a blog on fluff- I’m here to write a blog on reality; to make it known exactly what happens in a depression peril or on a manic high. I’m here as a resource and a book of honesty- the only way to make the best of this.
Right smack dab in the middle of a meltdown I wrote this. A glimpse of where my mind goes when the Crazy Train begins at full force. To logically process my feelings as I couldn’t control the convulsions and tear and anxiety.
January 30, 2017-
The month of all months- one of my least favorite. I’m laying on my bed, with a roof over my head, the light on, food in a to-go container and I’m sobbing. Sobbing hysterically.
This month has hysterically been a bad one: the month I had my virginity taken from me, the month my grandma (who raised me) died of her fourth hard battle with cancer, the month my friends abandoned me, the month I marched into my deans office to quit school because I was just done with life, and that forever led to the diagnosis.
I haven’t liked this month since. I expected this one to be just as bad, but it hasn’t. I’ve had a little love life issues and what not, but generally speaking it hasn’t been terrible. Got offered a dream job, I just made my first car payment, and had most of the moth off because of a surgery and FMLA paperwork.
But I’m here just sobbing? Because of my decisions. Student loans, poor spending, a new car? But this is the bottom of the barrel feeling. This is as though I lost my job, found out my significant other was being unfaithful, losing someone near to me- none of that has happened.
I’m struggling. I’m hurting. I feel so alone, and all I want to do is crash, burn and float away. Im crumbling inside and I can’t see out of this tunnel right now. I want to be alone and am just yearning for somebody, ANYBODY to force their way thru my door and hold me. My stomach always hurts, my back has this same spot that makes me freeze every time I tweak it, my headaches seem to come everyday. My body is being physically ruined by my mind and my anxiety and I can’t see the end.
This is what it does to me. I was literally so happy two Mondays ago. And I’m so devastated two later. I’m bouncing up and down. I’m so tired. I can’t keep up. I’m scared. I’m hiding. I just want to be left alone. I’m irritable and moody. I’m just done. Even as I’m typing this to show what bipolar does, my mind tells me to just keep going and turn it into thee note. The last one anyone would read from me.
How FUCKING awful is this? My own mind wants me to end its existence. I feel betrayed- why? I’m medicated, I’m responsible, and it’s never enough to get ahead, AND THE WORST THING is I put myself here. I’ve done this all to myself. And one day it feels like I’m going to give in and just let my chest collapse. Just let go, give in. Let the figurative 1 ton block on my chest just cave in my lungs and my ribs and my heart. This anxiety is unbearable. It’s breaking me. And no one will listen. No one cares. And if they do- they don’t understand me. I’m just so tired.
As a follow-up-
For this melt-down blog, I chose the Yin & Yang to share the story because of how powerful this representation really is. Without one, this story is incomplete. They need each other but operate completely separate and independently of each other.
I identify with the Yin & Yang and it’s the best way I can describe these fits of Crazy. Though this bi-polar and mental health journey doesn’t DEFINE me, but it is a huge part of me. The bipolar is my darker side, but I wouldn’t be the light (kind, compassion, empathetic) without it.